Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Thing(s) to look for in a Guy

Lately I have been talking to God about what makes a guy ready for a marriage, since I am well on my way to being married and relationships being one of the most prominent topics for young Christians on campus besides "calling" (which often gets mistaken as career, but I will I will tackle that one another day).

I have been watching young Christians get into good and bad relationships for nearly a decade and a half now, myself included on both ends. Of course there are many many books and speakers with multiple 3 point sermons on what to look for in a guy, but as I reflect on what I have observed in good relationships this past decade, it all boils down to to a surprising single attribute.

It is definitely not career or education or money, or even scriptural knowledge or ministry serving or spiritual maturity (which tends to be defined nowadays as knowledge anyways). A good sign that a guy is ready for a relationship that aims for marriage (relationships for other reasons simply should not happen) is when he is giving out of his abundance from the Lord.

Note carefully my stress on abundance; I am not talking about just giving here. Giving can stem from many motivations. Some out of obligation (because he has been taught/guilted/scared into giving away his resources, time, energy), some are really giving in exchange (I have this and this and this asset to offer in exchange for someone to address my lack of companionship), but a guy who is ready for marriage is someone who is giving out of his abundance from the Lord; who is giving his life away because he recognizes and experiences that, regardless of his circumstances, God has blessed him abundantly, and he is eager to share all that he has knowing that God will be walking with him and His goodness will continue.

I know Driscoll has done this video where he says guys should be producers rather than consumers, but I think that wording has the weakness that it really says nothing about the guy's relationship with God. We do not produce the fruit, it ultimately comes from the vine, so a guy has to learn to receive from God himself (rather than through human proxies), and be in the relationship to give cheerfully out of the abundance that he receives; to give not out of obligation or exchange, but out of contentment, generosity and joy.

Often girls fall for someone who sounds zealous spiritually. He says things like “I want to grow”, “I want to learn”, “I want to be discipled”, "I want to lead" (this last one is sneaky, read on). Sounds like all the right things, but upon further inspection all of their desires are still just me me me me me; they are still just hungry consumers. Him approaching you for a relationship might really just be him trying to be feel more complete, trying to take that next perceived step in his climb on the public maturity ladder, trying to progress by grabbing the next piece of life. Worse, he is actually never going to be satisfied with you for that because completeness and contentment can only come from God, and it is likely he has never learned to receive from Him if he is still going around striving to add pieces to his life.

I am not at all promoting that silly idea that when you do not care about having a companion, that is when God will give you one, as if God insists on torturing us into submission. What I am saying though, is that readiness (and in a way real maturity) is about contentment, about receiving peace and passionately submitting to what God wishes to do with us today, even while eagerly awaiting a spouse, a career, a calling, etc.

If we are to eventually love our spouses as if they are part of us, as if we are one flesh, then you have to be able to love yourself, be at peace, eagerly pursuing God in who you are and where you are right now, while joyously looking forward to the future. Fine line to tread, but one of the ways you can tell that is simply by who is whining and complaining about their current lack and obsessing over their future plans, and who is just pursuing every day passionately and joyfully while still enthusiastically speaking of and praying for the future.

"Thing(s) to look for in a Girl" is coming next week. Girls who are nodding hard at this piece better not kill me for the next one :P

2 comments:

pauljlwong said...

nice... prepping for the CCF audience?

Special K said...

LOL not really, just been watching some of these get-together's lately and chatting with God about them.